Monday, 30 April 2012

Never work with children or animals

As the old saying goes "Never work with children or animals". Unfortunately this is a bit difficult for me, having two of the former and lots of the latter. All have the ability to drive me completely nuts. If it's not the kittens and their mad half hour (which goes on for hours) in which they do the wall-of-death in the lounge and fly up and down the stairs like they've got fireworks up their bums, it's the kids either rowing or shrieking. Sometimes they all do this in unison, during which I am forced to retreat to the bedroom seeking the solace of earplugs and 'Flowerboard' on my ipod. The cats are all oddbods in their own ways; Dolly - who had one eye removed last year -  never used to like being anywhere near people's faces but now has taken to lying on my throat when I get into bed, with her empty eye-socket right up in my face. God love her, but it's enough to give me nightmares! Then there's Lundy, the fluffiest handsomest cat in the whole world, who likes to follow you when you go for a walk - trotting alongside you like a dog. He goes from being absurdly affectionate to totally aloof, only gracing us with his presence when he wants meat. He also rivals the most stealthy of predators and has brought us home presents ranging from frogs to Game birds. The kittens (Birdie and Bob) are the strangest of all. they refuse to go outside during daylight hours but as soon as nighttime rolls around they're scratching at the door to get out. And then in again. And then out again. Birdie likes to get in the litter tray after her brother has been in for a poop and make a better job of covering it up and Bob has extra toes.
But compared to the cats, the kids are actual nutters. As many may know from the parenting forums or Facebook, my daughter is - as my dad says - 'a card'. She is hilarious, with absolutely no tact and more idiosyncracies than you can shake a stick at. She has, since being a baby, wanted mummy for everything which is both endearing and irritating. She also seems to be more than a little bit OCD, having to say 'goodnight' about 15 times, wanting to know what's for the next meal before she's eaten this one and wanting me to take her to bed every night. Religiously. Her brother is quickly catching her up in the strangeness stakes though, which does provide us with much amusement but is also enough to make you want to pull your hair out sometimes. Like the school run, when he thinks it's amusing to lie face down in the school playground, grinning at me like a loon. Amusing for him and everyone else watching yes, but for mummy? No. Neither is it that hilarious when walking round Asda on his reins (to stop him lying face down on the floor), he decides to squat down almost like he's having a poo (save for him wearing a nappy, thank goodness), and refuses to move. And I have to pretend to laugh and jovially call him a nutty noodle, when all the while I'm hissing "Get up!" through gritted teeth and turning ever more purple with shame. Although we did laugh tonight when he stood up in the bath and announced "Water! Coming out of peen!" and proceeded to wee in the bath like a human fountain. But they're all my babies, and would I be without them? I have to answer that?

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