Wednesday, 15 August 2012

Modern mysteries

Forget crop circles, alien abductions, the Bermuda triangle, UFO sightings, bleeding Virgin Mary statues and fairies. My head is whirling with a million unanswered questions and unsolved mysteries of my own. It's not the Loch Ness monster that keeps me awake at nights, it's a multitude of  minutae, a myriad worries, a tempest of trivia! This is by no means an exhaustive list, please feel free to add your own - or even better, give me answers to mine!

  • Why can flies find their way into the house through a crack in a housebrick, yet when you leave all the windows and doors wide open, the dozy articles are completely unable to locate their exit? Even flapping at them with a magazine in the direction of an open door doesn't help.
  • Why are children deaf to anything you ask them to do, but can hear the opening of the fridge/cupboard door from 10 miles away?
  • Why won't Imogen Thomas  / The Kardashian's / The GoCompare advert man / all Big brother housemates (past and present) just shut up and go away?
  • Speaking of The Kardashian's, why have they all got (some quite obviously made up) first names beginning with K?
  • Why is it that when you've spent half an hour putting suncream on, getting your lounger, radio and book together, the sun goes in?
  • And why is it that if there are clouds in the sky, they ALWAYS go in front of the sun?
  • Why are hoop earrings physically impossible to fasten?
  • Why do you always want a bag of chips after going swimming?
  • Why is it, when you have to wear shorts or a skirt, do you either cut yourself shaving, or have a huge bruise on your leg?
  • Why do fish from pet shops die with about two hours, but when your neighbour gives you a Morrisons carrier bag full of them, the bleeders just will not die?
  • What is paranoia called when you know you're right to be paranoid?
  • How do they know that blondes have more fun? Has there ever been a survey?
  • Why does Barry Scott from the Cillit bang adverts always shout?
  • Why am I the only one in this house bothered about cleaning?
  • Why do I still have people as friends on Facebook when they clearly don't like me, and I'm not bothered?
  • Why does cucumber give me the raging burps when it's 99.9% water?
  • At what age is it deemed inappropriate to wear a bikini? Ditto mini skirts?
  • What's the difference between Diet Coke and Coke Zero?
  • Is it ever acceptable to gaffer tape your kids mouths up and shut them in a cupboard? Even if they're really getting on your nerves and it's only for ten minutes?
  • Guinea pigs are just big rats, so why can you teach rats to do tricks but guinea pigs are literally the thickest animals in existence?
  • How many animals is it acceptable to bring home before your husband threatens you with divorce?
It's no wonder I've always got a headache...

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