Sunday, 19 August 2012

Green fingers

I am, by my own admission, the World's worst gardener. In fact, it's much worse than that. I'm a plant killer, destroying everything I touch and I should be made to sign the POR (the Plant Offenders Register) for life.  I long to have a garden to be proud of; swathes of blooms welcoming people as they walk up the drive, colourful borders and hanging baskets that would make Titchmarsh weep. I look at my neighbours gardens and feel a pang of envy that they can keep things alive, where I am almost guaranteed to kill potplants within a week - a rare talent, you must admit. There are some things I'm fantastic at cultivating - clover, dandelions, and brambles are my speciality. Certain parts of the garden resemble a meadow, and a small part of the front garden is just impenetrable undergrowth ("I leave it like that for the wildlife!" I tell myself).

We have plants in our kitchen that are here by the skin of their teeth - alive only because they have learnt to survive by sucking up all of the moisture from the steam from pasta cooking in the saucepan. When the kitchen window is open you can almost hear them shouting "Nooooooo! We need that!" as the steam escapes. If you should happen to visit Chez Bob and find us with an abundance of potted  pansies and nasturtiums, it is all a big ruse. I am clueless as to how much water is too much - am I drowning the poor buggers unknowingly? And so, despite my best efforts, they all soon leave for the great floral graveyard (the brown bin) and off I go to B&Q to replace them. And this happens probably monthly over the course of the summer. And here's the killer - a while back I was keen on training as a florist! Brilliant. You can just imagine young Jane on her wedding day, walking down the aisle with a bunch of wilted brown lilies from 'Bobs' Blooms'.

A thought has just occurred to me - all of the Pets At Home fish I've had died, but the carrier bag full from my neighbour are still going strong (obviously they're not still in the carrier bag!). And all of the plants from B&Q I've bought have died, so....maybe it's not my fault after all! Maybe I just need to get carrier bags full of flowers from my neighbours and I'll be winning competitions in no time! I'll get my name off the Plant Offenders Register, you'll see...


  1. You have just described my life with plants! Not sure how we will get on with fish yet, we get those on Thursday -not from Pets at Home so hopefully they will last the night.

    1. Make sure you ask for them in a carrier bag - they're guaranteed to last then!