Monday, 13 August 2012

I wish I was..

Sometimes it's pretty crap being a grown up. If you were to stop and actually think about all the responsibilities you have, all the drains you have on your finances and time and sanity it would probably be enough to make a lot of people cry like a baby. I'm included in that statement by the way. And when you're a parent, it's even worse; you have to think about someone else ALL of the time, never stop worrying about their safety and get sick of the sound of your own voice repeating "Be careful/no, don't do that/stop wiping your nose on the curtain!". Even when you just have pets instead of children (I say 'just', but having a household with a scarily high pets to people ratio, I can tell you it's hard work), you still have extra costs, worries of what to do with the little buggers when you go on holiday because they haven't evolved enough to be able to open a can, concerns over them breaking their legs and having to sell your house to pay the vets bills, and a ton of extra cleaning. But what, I wonder, would my life be like if I was someone or something else? I know it's not good to wish your life away, because then you never appreciate the good things that you do have, but what if....?

If  I was a child... I could watch all of the thousands of toy adverts they put on the kids channels saying "I want that for Christmas!" to everything, and live with the eternal optimism and belief that - if you don't smack your brother round the head too often - Santa will bring it.  I could march up to the parents of my friends, and without an ounce of shame, invite myself to their house for tea. I could gawp obviously at fat people, people with pink hair, people with giant warts, and use my 'Toddler Tourettes' in a loud voice to point out their 'differences'. I could use 'I'm tired' as a covers-all excuse for behaving like a ratbag. I could talk constantly about boobs, bums, willies and poo as though they were the most hilarous things in the entire world. I could have a piggy bank full of coppers and think I was rich. I could throw a huge tantrum every time I didn't get my own way, shame the crap out my parents and lap up all the tuts and glares from old people and it would be ok. I could decide one day that I'm only going to eat raw carrots and toast. I could trump, pick my nose and have my hand down my pants to my hearts content. Although, I know plenty of adults who do that too!

If I was a cat... I could take a crap anywhere I like. I could shamelessly waft around peoples legs when I wanted feeding or a fuss, and then ignore them after I'd got it. I could catch frogs and then sit back and watch as Mummy tries to chase it out of the garden, whilst shrieking because frogs frighten the bejesus out of her. I could fall asleep on the trampoline in the sunshine for ten hours, come in and have some food, and then go back to sleep again. I could wait until the owners are about to go to bed, and then start my mad half-hour, doing the wall of death around the lounge. I could go to sleep next to them on the bed, purring that loudly that they have to go and find earplugs.

But then, if I wasn't a grown up I couldn't drink, or drive (not at the same time I hasten to add), couldn't stay up til whatever time I wanted watching rubbish tv, couldn't spend hours mooching around town or go and people watch at the gym. And as I'm never going to be a child again, or a cat, I guess being a grown up will just have to do. Although, just for shits and giggles I might go out and sleep on the trampoline for ten hours and start giggling everytime somebody says the word 'bum'...just because I can!

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