Men are from Mars.

Today I bring you some sad (albeit not entirely surprising) news - that the celebrity couple known as TomKat are no more. Katie Holmes has decided that she can no longer put up with Tom's over the top gushings and sofa-jumping proclamations of love, and that she can do a good enough job of being a miserable sourpuss all on her own, thank you very much. And this got me thinking. How many celebrity marriages go the distance? And by distance I mean more than 2 years. Indeed, how many marriages between normal people last these days? Not that I necessarily agree with how things were done in th'olden days; you stuck with your spouse even if you spent 99% of the time romanticising about ways to kill them and dispose of the body. Because that's what was expected of you. But I think it's fair to say that the institution of marriage isn't what it used to be. So here is my, by no means definitive, guide to relationships and how to survive them.

Advice for Men

• Don't look at other women's boobs all the time. Not only will it enrage your wife, it may well enrage the woman whose boobs you are gawping at. And possibly her husband.
• If your wife is in the habit of bringing home lots of cats, it is best to smile and welcome them in with open arms. If you are going to sulk, make it quick because the cats are staying.
• Never underestimate the importance of being able to do DIY.  And gardening. And cleaning. And looking happy whilst you are doing it.
• When your wife is trying to play Songpop, it is VITAL that you do not lie next to her making a noise by absent-mindedly scratching the logo on your t-shirt with your fingernails. Not unless you like being told off.
• While your partner will want you to offer to help with the cooking, she doesn't want you to actually help. This is because she is better/quicker at it than you and your lumbering interference will infuriate her. But, I repeat, you must always offer to help.
• As above, but with the cleaning.
• Do not, under any circumstances, make a comment regarding your partners hair/clothes/weight/makeup that may be in any way misconstrued. If in doubt, remain silent.
• Yes, romance is often overrated. but we still want it.

Advice for women

• Men are simple creatures with the most basic of requirements. As long as they get food, water and sex, they are happy.
• Praise them regularly. Like children and dogs, they respond well to positive comments and encouragement. And occasionally stickercharts and treats.
•  Never drive a better or faster car than your partner. This will undoubtedly affect his self-esteem. If this is unavoidable, make sure he is allowed to drive your car at weekends as a special treat.
• Men will never understand your need to watch rubbish telly and read rubbish magazines. Just as you will never understand his need to sit huddled in a darkened room blinking in front a screen pretending to shoot three headed Vikings. Live and let live ladies.

You see, it takes give and take to make a relationship work. None of this 'If it's meant to be, it will be' gubbins for me, because that just encourages the abdication of responsibility and effort. And that's really what makes a relationship work - a shitload of effort. Because if the grass is greener on the other side, it's usually because your neighbour is taking better care of his lawn. TomKat - you should have come to me first, I could have saved you millions in the divorce courts!