Sunday, 29 July 2012

Dodging bullets

I was in the gym this morning, when Beyonce's song 'Best thing you never had' came on. Usually we're subjected to some completely unmotivating slow-ass stuff like Richard Marx and Wings which normally has me nodding off mid jog, so this was somewhat of an improvement. Anyway, there's a line in it which sounds suspiciously like "..You showed your ass and I saw the real you", which surely can't be right? Because not only are they appalling lyrics, but what on earth could have been so bad about his ass that acted as such a repellant?! Boils? Scales? Did he wear a nappy? I shudder to think. Got me thinking though; there can't be many people on the planet who haven't completely dodged a bullet when it's come to previous romances. One of my exes used to hollow out a baguette and fill it with beef and tomato Pot Noodle for his lunch, one wouldn't have known the truth if it walked up to him wearing a sandwich board and flashing deely-boppers and punched him in the kisser and another never wore shoes. Ever.I mean - I know we've all got our faults, but can you seriously imagining marrying someone like that?

I'm in the process of writing a book, and admittedly finding the characters relationships side of things tricky. In most chick-lit stories, the male character is usually flawed in some way (a bit of a womaniser or a commitment phobe or a mummy's boy) but at the end of book realises the error of his ways and is perfect for whichever female sap has been waiting patiently for him for the entire length of the story. But real life and real people aren't like that. Most men don't become incurable romantics with the love of a good woman, or have an epiphany and stop acting like a horny teenager. Nope. They usually just carry on into middle age still forgetting when their anniversary/wife's birthday is, still have the same bad habits of forgetting to flush the loo and eating like a cement mixer, still have that gormless expression on their face when they're concentrating and - if you're really unlucky - still trying it on with any female enough to look at them sideways. So, my dilemna is thus; do I break with convention and go with real life? Have characters who get on each others norks, who row in Asda over where to park (she wants to park next to the store, he wants to park in the furthest possible space) which checkout has the shortest queue and who both wear pyjama's that have seen better days. Or do I stick with the rules and have main protagonists who shag like they have horny goatweed sprinkled on every meal and who are achingly beautiful/trendy/rich with names like Celestial Starr and Mitchum Lovelace? Answers on a postcard please! Actually, I'm kind of keen of Mitchum Lovelace...

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