Summer, that is. Asda has been bursting at the seams with bright red people frantically buying up baps and burgers, baring their already scorched flesh in vests and determined to absorb every last sun-ray. I mustkeep missing the memo that goes round as soon as the temperature hits the high teens, informing people that it is compulsory to shed all dignity and go shopping half naked. We joined the BBQ Brigade on Friday, having been invited to a neighbours for food. Which, in a nutshell, involved us pushing the world's first BBQ (I'm not kidding, it had got fossils holding it together and dinosaur turds at the bottom of it - I was half expecting Tony Robinson and the Time Team to come running over with trowels) around the garden trying to find somewhere out of the wind. The kids were trying to drown each other in the paddling pool, while the adults fought with the BBQ and by about midnight we'd given up trying to light the stone age grill and I went home to get the frying pan. One of the elderly neighbours somehow managed, after a glass of Lambrini, to go toppling back off his chair and sliced the two varicose veins on each elbow open. It was like something out of 'The Walking Dead'.
Speaking of the elderly...when it's sweltering outside and you're already dripping with sweat, old people (aka my dad) will always offer you a cup of tea or coffee. And say "It'll cool you down". As if it will! What will cool me down is stripping naked and stick my bum in the fridge door, not drinking a hot drink for pitys sake! Yes, yes - I get the so called 'science' behind it - that it will make you perspire and therefore reduce your body temperature. But in my experience, when you're sweating like a weightwatcher in Greggs, you need a breeze or a fan to cool the sweat and feel the benefit. And if you're sitting in front of a fan, or in a breeze, well then you're not really in need of a hot drink are you? No. Have an ice lolly and stop being so silly. I'll tell you what does a fantastic job of cooling you down when all else fails - sneezing. Hayfever does have it's positives; you have a sneezing fit and hey presto! Covered in goosebumps. And possibly snot.
It has been quite nice, sitting out (covered in factor 30 I might add, unlike the majority of the sights in Asda) and enjoying the sunshine. The peace and quiet only disturbed by Britain's Oldest Chav over the back, whose quest for DIY projects is never ending. And the pervy neighbour who finds bushes to trim every time I venture out to sunbathe. Oh, and the little lad a few doors down throwing massive tantrums every ten minutes. But other than that it's been quite peaceful. I'm going a nice shade of brown, all apart from my legs which are utterly resistant to sunshine. They are a slightly darker shade than my white bits - let's call them 'magnolia' - but will soon require a coat of creosote to get them the same colour as the rest of me. We have all been enjoying a healthier diet, with the hot weather making The Childbeasts more open to eating salad, which is a bonus. Well, when I say salad I mean the Boychild's seemingly instiable appetite for coleslaw and beetroot. Which reminds me, I went for a wee last night (bear with me, this is relevant) and nearly fainted with shock when I saw red staring back at me from the toilet bowl. HOLY FRICK! I'VE BROKEN MY BLADDER!!!! Oh thank god. It's just beetroot.
Something else that I've loved about this weather, and I know I'm not alone here, is being able to get my washing dry! It's so unbelievably sad to get excited about seeing the bottom of my laundry basket, and not having to leave my washing out for four days in the hope it will will come in slightly less damp than it went out, but I don't care! I have literally been going round the house searching for things to wash just because I can - curtains, rugs, cushion covers, animals. Just kidding about the animals, all I do is leave the guinea pigs out in the rain when they start to smell. It's still only May, which either means that this is all the Summer we're going to get, or that we have months of beetroot eating, washing drying and stubborn leg tanning to go! Cup of tea anyone??