Thursday, 29 November 2012

How to behave in the nude **warning - not for little eyes!**

We women are strange creatures *cue men across the globe agreeing like a sea of nodding dogs*. I was at the gym this morning, and was getting myself dried after a shower, when a woman walked in and put her stuff down on the bench. Until this point I had been on my own, and quite happily skipping about in the nude. Well, not actually skipping, that would have been a bit strange. But as soon as she came in, I yanked the towel up and began the 'trying-to-get-dressed-under-a-towel dance', like I was in the middle of a crowded beach. I go to the gym 3 or 4 times a week, and keep myself in fairly decent shape, so why I was suddenly overcome with modesty, like I was covered in scales and warts the size of satsumas. Which I'm not, by the way. I could get into a deep debate about how women are made to feel insecure thanks to all the airbrushed images we are subjected to in the media blah blah blah. But the fundamental difference is that men do not give a rats ass. There's none of the awkwardness, the fretting over cellulite, surreptitiously comparing boobs while trying to hold a conversation about how much things at Asda have gone up recently. In fact, I think this pretty much sums the two genders up perfectly...

  • take off clothes and place them sectioned in a laundry basket according to colour.
  • walk to bathroom wearing dressing gown
  • if you see husband along the way cover up any exposed areas
  • look at your physique in the mirror, make mental note to do more leg lifts/sit-ups in the morning and wonder if bingo wings are bigger than they were last week
  • get in the shower
  • use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah and pumice stone
  • wash your hair once with sage and cucumber shampoo with 43 added vitamins
  • condition your hair with grapefruit and mint-enhanced conditioner
  • wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red and close to bleeding
  • wash the rest of your body with gingernut and jaffa cake body wash
  • shave armpits and legs
  • turn off shower
  • sponge off all wet surfaces in the shower
  • spray mould spots with tile cleaner
  • dry with towel the size of a small country
  • wrap hair in super absorbent towel
  • return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head
  • if you see husband along the way cover up any exposed areas
  • spend 40 minutes drying hair with hand held jet engine
  • take clothes off while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave in a pile on floor
  • walk naked to the bathroom
  • if you see wife along the way, shake your willy and make a "woo-hoo" sound
  • admire your physique in the mirror and the size of your manhood. Scratch backside
  • get in shower
  • wash your face
  • wash your armpits
  • blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse the snot off
  • spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area
  • wash your hair with stuff from the bottle nearest to hand
  • make a shampoo mohawk
  • pee like a racehorse and schusch the yellow water down the drain with your feet
  • rinse and get out of the shower
  • fail to notice water on the floor because the curtain was hanging out of the bath
  • admire size of manhood in mirror again
  • leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on
  • return to bedroom with towel around waist
  • if you pass wife, pull off towel and make a "woo-hoo" sound as you shake your willy at her
  • throw wet towel on bed
  • run fingers through hair twice to dry it

And if you needed further proof that men truly are a different species when it comes to nudity...

I rest my case.

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